Scumbag On A Mission

A popular Christian book on dating by Joshua Harris called I Kissed Dating Goodbye hit the shelves years ago, and, as expected, it was a huge controversy.

Many non-believers posed the question: How are we supposed to find the man/woman of our dreams if we don’t date?

Joshua Harris was adept at explaining the sanctity of marriage, of keeping ourselves pure and holy in the Lord’s sight, and of waiting for God to appoint the time when He reveals the ONE that He’s created for you. I found myself enraptured by his beautiful stories of first kisses at the altar, finding the love of his life while remaining a virgin, etc.

I must say, for a time, I bought it all. But coming across many experiences and heart-wrenching stories I’ve heard from people of all walks of life, I found myself disagreeing with some parts.

OK, while I find myself rebutting some of the statements made in the book, I would like to state that I am not saying Joshua was wrong in his sentiments and in his intent to urge Christian singles into leading lives of righteousness. I just think that the world’s social standards have understandably shaped a few of his ideas.

But I digress, in a largely non-Christian world, some of the statements can be extremely dangerous.

For example, in one of the chapters, Joshua shares a dream that he once had. He had a vision of himself at the altar, and his bride comes down the aisle. After she takes her place beside him, several other girls walk down the aisle and stand at his other side. The bride asks him what the meaning of it was, and his dream-self said, "These are all the girls I’ve dated in the past. I used to be in love with them, but I love you now. I gave them a part of me, you can have whatever is left." (or something to that effect)

OK, from a very objective point of view, here’s what idea forms in the mind of a young person: I AM DAMAGED GOODS IF I’VE DATED SOMEONE BEFORE MY FUTURE SPOUSE.

Will this stop the young person from dating? Of course not.

Will it make him/her think that he/she has to stay with her partner even if they’re not right for each other just so they won’t become DAMAGED GOODS? YES!!!

And this mindset is the exact same reason why there are so many girls WHO STAY IN BAD RELATIONSHIPS. I know what defenders of the book will say — if you had exercised better judgment in the first place…an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, etc. The fact of the matter is, PEOPLE WILL DATE. That’s what humans do, we want to experience things for themselves, whether you accept it or not. Only a very small minority will actually have the capacity to abstain from it. And instilling that idea that they’re taking something away from their future spouse by dating beforehand is absurd, and will make them feel like they have to marry the first person they ever go out with.

What kind of guy would feel cheated and judge you for the single reason that you’ve dated before? I’ll tell you — a possessive, insecure guy. A guy I would never date, and much less consider marrying.

Same reason why girls cling to the men they lost their virginity to…they are afraid of the social stigma that comes with being "impure" on their wedding night. For crying out loud, past is past! Isn’t that what the message of salvation is? That once you’ve been forgiven, all your past transgressions will be washed white as snow? Why is it that people still pass judgment on girls who aren’t virgins? (They don’t quite show the same for men, but that’s another rant for another day)

I’ll be frank. I naively lost my virginity to a man whom I thought I would marry and ended up hurting me more than anyone ever has. And even though his infidelity and dishonesty had become known to me, that whole "You’re dirty because a man has touched you, and now nobody else will want you" made me cling to and run after him. I kept going after him even though he was no good for me because I didn’t want to be DAMAGED GOODS.

It took me a long time to realize that my worth has not diminished in the least because of what I’d done with this man in the past. I’m still the same person. And now I’ve gained the experience and wisdom to intercede for women who go through the same thing. I always tell them, "Don’t ever think you’re worthless. A man who holds the past against you DOES NOT DESERVE YOU."

I don’t regret anything in my life. God allows all things to happen for a reason, and it will all work together for good. My boyfriend accepted me, past and all, and loves me for everything I am and was. My tortured experiences led me to become mature and to grow in wisdom, which has made me a better partner for him. I thank God every day for leading me out of the darkness. No regrets.

Let’s stop being prejudiced about people based on their relationship status or the number of exes they’ve had. Instead, let’s encourage each other to build and nurture our relationship with Christ so that everyone can see for themselves the holiness that God requires. Leave judgment up to the Lord; we, in our individual imperfections, have no right to do otherwise.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 5th, 2007 at 2:26 am and is filed under Lessons in Love and Stupidity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.